Prayers for Tomorrow
I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
Chris Tomlin
Today a chapter of this journey closes. And tomorrow begins the final day of challenges. I praise the Lord for bringing me this far. I am alive and my future looks brighter for the answers to prayer and miracles bestowed on me. So much fear laid to rest, one day at a time. Day one - Flight = Fear. Day Two = Many Obstacles and Fears. Day Three = Biggest Fear = Surgery Day. Day Four (if I made it) = Unknown Fear. All have fallen away. Like in Tennessee, I think of two specific scriptures. ‘I do not live in a Spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.”(2 Timothy 1:7) And, “The Spirit that raised Christ from the Dead, lives in me” (Romans 8:11). And music is always in me….. it’s a part of who I am. So I hear the lyrics of Zach Williams - Fear is Liar - Fear, He will take your breath, Stop you in your steps, He will rob your rest, Steal your happiness, Cast your fear in the fire.”
And Phil Whickam -
When all I see is the battle, You see my victory
When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved
And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me
There's nothing to fear now for I am safe with You
So when I fight, I'll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I'll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
All the lyrics of this song are profound. So if you are going through a hard time, let the words wash over you and strengthen you.
My body and mind are still living in what they know. My brain is so programmed to scanning for every threat, it’s what my world became. Every smell, taste, food, exposure was a risk. I am still reacting, but am hopeful this will begin to dissipate as the threats leave my body. Talking to the doctors today, I know I asked them questions “every way from Sunday.” I realize this stems from the “fight or flight” state my body has been in 24/7 for so many years, as well as the past history of dealing with professionals who are not familiar with my diagnosis of MCAS and allergic responses. Disinterest, misunderstanding, or arrogance became a danger for me. Allergic reactions seem especially rare here in Costa Rica. It is almost impossible to find allergy medications in a pharmacy, and the clinics are not automatically scent free… in fact they are heavily scented. This also became apparent with my experience going through the Costa Rican hospital system, where notes on my allergic reactions were slow to make their way to different nursing stations. Given this, when a doctor says, “you’ll be fine” my instinct is to find safety. Do they understand me and where is their analysis coming from? It’s constantly humbling. Trying to appear logical and of sound mind while continually inspecting every nuance. I don’t like being this person, I would much prefer to have a mind at peace where I can just exist in moments in time without concerns of threat or my safety, and experience trust in the process around me. I pray those days are ahead.
The appointment was fairly quick today. The stitches look excellent inside my head. The swelling is already at the 80% mark, so I won’t look too frightful in the coming days. The lump on my jaw will apparently be present for the next 3 months as the cells continue to heal in that area, as well as my chin (although that area is not as noticeable). We asked about my left arm again as I have developed phlebitis, or hardening of the vein due to the iv port. Hopefully this resides over time and does not cause any immediate concerns. It’s sore and sometimes difficult to bend my arm.
I have been remarkably tired and reactive since Friday. Apologies for my last post as I know it was quite rambling and the grammar somewhat atrocious (I apologize Mom, my grammar Queen). I guess it’s proof positive my body and brain are struggling when my English brain can’t string English words together in proper fashion. The doctor did speak on this today, how my cells are all rushing to repair the trauma in my head which would leave the rest of my body extremely tired. What I heard was he gave me permission to have bad grammar and feel beyond functional.
I’ve had ongoing chest pain and limb pain. This has caused continued alertness and concern for travel. I am back on my medication for blood thinners and hope this will dissipate any re-thickening of my blood. The bloodwork from my surgery showed my thrombin levels were good, but a week has passed, so there is no definitive analysis for where I am now. The doctor is positive on my traveling, but I feel safest resting my confidence in God’s protection that I will make this trip home in safety and strength. Please, please pray for me today and tomorrow for renewed strength and endurance for this one final push. Feeling so weak is an emotional journey as well. It’s difficult to continue putting one foot in front of the other and believing you still have more strength in the tank to make the final trip. With God all things are possible, and I ask for his strength as mine is insufficient. ““My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 Honestly, that verse has always been difficult for me, and here, at the close of this current journey, I am finally using it. It is so hard to be weak and gracious in it when the world moves around you with strength.
Jeff and I will be up around 3:30 tomorrow morning to get ourselves ready for the flight, so a short night of sleep. As our international flight leaves at 7:10, and we are about a half hour outside of San Jose, we will need to get to the airport on time.
Thank you again for your prayers. My prayer army. You have surrounded me and provided me with the peace and strength to make this journey.
Maria
A little addendum for those who think they might be in the same boat I finally found myself in. If it’s helpful to share resources, here are a few…
Finding answers to auto- immunity and chronic illness does not bring most people to research implants in their body, but after much contacting of people around the world, there are two tests available. It takes months to get into the clinic for testing, but the University of Western has started up a MELISA test. This test is not available in the US, which is a first. Its only available in the UK and now Ontario. This testing has only just started in Canada - https://melisa.org/
As my journey, after many decades, ended up coming together faster than the Canadian MELISA test would allow, I had a test done in the US by Orthopedic Analysis - https://www.orthopedicanalysis.com/
